Mom guilt

Well, I'm officially blog delinquent at this point... but I'll try to get back into a rhythm. It's been a tough week for me. Work is crazy as I'm filling in for my boss (!) and home life is as busy as ever.
I did get a couple of days with my girl this week. I worked the late shift on Monday, so I got to spend all morning and early afternoon with Ellie. Of course, then I worked until midnight... but those are the breaks of working in media. And then I had Wednesday off from work completely, because I have to work on Saturday this week. (Again, why did I choose this field?)
To be honest, I've been pretty stressed recently. The busier I get at work, the more frustrated I am, it seems. Even though it's hard to be away from Ellie so much, I do want to work right now. But I hate when I feel like I'm spinning my wheels on the job. Ever since Ellie arrived, I've felt more of a push to really make my work count. I've always tried to write compelling stories and important articles, but now that my work is keeping me away from Ellie it seems even more important to do something great. I've got to justify missing all this time with my daughter!
On Tuesday I left the office with steam practically coming out of my ears. I had to stick around an extra hour and 15 minutes to cover for another editor and do busy work... so by the time I finally got home, I had about 45 minutes before Ellie's bedtime.
It is SO hard to figure out how to balance work and motherhood. I'm still trying to figure it out. I remember reading one time that working moms need to give up on being the best in all they do. Frankly, the article said, it's near-impossible to be perfect on the job and perfect at home — so don't try! The advice was to live in the moment. Do the best you can while at work and then do the best you can when you get home.
And don't feel guilty about it. Well, that's a lot easier said that done. As a Catholic of 28 years, I already know a thing or two about guilt ;) But it's taken on a whole new meaning as I became a mom. Too often I find myself feeling bad about what I'm not doing for Ellie, or feeling like what I'm doing isn't good enough. Is she learning enough? Is she hitting milestones soon enough? Is that another cold she's picking up from day care? Is it OK that Brian and I cheaped out and bought the Sam's Club-brand diapers (for about 75% the cost of name-brand)? And, speaking of diapers, how's her poop today? Soooo much to think about!
The worst incidents are when we try to put her to bed at night and she just screams. I hate, hate, hate that! It's just heartbreaking because she'll be so happy at bath time and then content in my arms as she gets her last meal of the day. And then we set her down in the crib and she realizes what's happening. Her arms actually shake and her whole face scrunches up as she prepares to cry. So sad. At these times, I try to remember another section of wisdom I read recently: Your baby won't remember in the morning, and you're not scarring her for life.
It seems to be true. She's back to happy, smiley Ellie in the morning. I love that baby... and in the grand scheme, I guess that is the best I can do.